Like a star in the sky
by Duckiej
Summary: Charlotte is fourteen years old and still living with Peter, but they don't get along at all. Spending time with Alex makes her realise her mother has never really been out of the picture, while Alex, after Fiona left, fights his old feelings for Claire.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I don't own McLeod's Daughters.

**Summary: **Charlotte is fourteen years old and still living with Peter, but they don't get along at all. Apending time with Alex makes her realise ehr mother has never really been out of the picture, while Alex, after Fiona left, fights his old feelings for Claire.

Please read and review!

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Charlotte Pruedence McLeod stood at the window watching the rain fall down. It was 3 pm but the sky was grey, almost black and the sun hadn't showed up a single second today. She stretched out her arm and opened the window to feel the wind and the rain on her face. Drops fell on the picture she was holding while she shivered in the storm that was not only rushing outside, but inside too, in her mind. A beautiful woman with brown hairs and big, blue eyes smiled to her from the picture and Charlotte felt her tears mixing with the rain on her face. She closed the window and sat down on her bed. She looked around her room and realised she had everything she could ever wish for. Almost everything…

She looked at the picture again. Claire Louise McLeod was resting her head to a man's chest. His hands were on her waist and he wasn't looking at the camera because he was kissing her curly hair. Charlotte didn't know how many times she had been looking at this picture during the past weeks, but today it was touching her more than usually.

She turned the picture around and looked at the back side. "To Charlotte" was written on it in a very bad handwriting. She remembered the day Alex had given it to her. She had seen tears on his face and not many people had ever seen Alex Ryan crying. It was the day he had told her the story that had always been incomplete because no one really liked it to talk about Claire. But that day he had told her how he had been a very close friend of her mom, and how, after good times and fights, he had finally found the guts to tell her how he felt about her. He called the time after that "the best time of his life". Charlotte had loved the story till that point, but she hadn't wanted him to go on. Because they both new how it was gonna end.

She looked at the picture again and realised he had to feel as sad as she did now. Because this day was very important to her, and to Alex. And to Tess. But maybe to Alex the most. Suddenly she wanted to be with him now. He was her best friend, had always been for as she could remember and she realised it was killing her he was alone today. This day. She had looked up to this day for weeks, and now it had almost passed by. She had hoped her mother would give her a sign, like always happened in stories of other people. But the day had almost come to an end and nothing had happened.

She stood up, put the picture in her pocket and took her raincoat. Drover's Run wasn't very far by bus, and she was almost sure she'd find Alex there. She walked down the stairs and took her keys.

'Julia, I'm going to Drover's,' she called to the living room. She had never called Peter's wife 'mom'. She had accepted the fact that her mother wasn't alive anymore, and she didn't feel like saying 'mom' to someone that wasn't her mother. What didn't mean she didn't love Julia. She did love her and she couldn't miss her. Just not the way she'd have loved her mother.

'You're going out in this storm? You're crazy, dear, you'll catch a cold!'

'I won't,' Charlotte answered patient. This wasn't the moment to fight with Julia. 'I've taken my blue sweater on.' Charlotte hated her blue sweater. It always made her feel like she was wearing five sweaters, but Julia always wanted her to take it on when she went outside in winter.

'Ok, but what are you going to do there? And why now?'  
She decided just to tell her. She'd understand.

'I'm going to Alex.'

Julia's look floated over the calendar and she nodded.

'I didn't realise the date.' She opened her arms to hug Charlotte. 'Well, go. And if you can stay for the night, than do that. I don't like you walking around in this weather.'

She hugged her back.

'Thanks, Julia.'

She closed the front door behind her and started walking to the bus stop. This felt like a weird day. And with weird was meant the good and the bad way of weird.

In the bus Charlotte started thinking about her life. She had cached herself on deep thoughts more than usual over the past weeks. It felt like things were changing. She had come to realise she had started hesitating her happiness. She couldn't help it, but in Peter Johnson's house, she always felt like the outsider. Maybe that was because she knew that to Peter and Julia she'd always come second. Alana, their oldest daughter, was nineteen and had just moved out because she was going to college in Melbourne. Since that day Peter called her every evening to ask her how she was doing. Having conversations with Alana was no problem to him, their phone calls lasted for hours. But Charlotte never had any conversations with her father, except from 'Tidy up your mess' and 'don't be impudent'. That always ended up in fights that made Julia cry. Then she used to slam the doors and stamp. Charlotte was feeling a bit guilty about that. It wasn't Julia's fault she didn't get along with her father. And Julia hadn't asked for a third daughter that wasn't hers…

When she thought about it, the only place were she really was feeling home, was Drover's, or Alex' house near Killarney. He had lived there alone for years, since Nick and Tess got married, and since Fiona had left, but Charlotte came over as much as she could.

Peter's youngest daughter, Natalie, was sixteen and that kind of girl people call 'bitch'. Natalie was a bitch of the worst kind. Everyone and everything that meant much to Charlotte was humiliated by Natalie. Her friends, her pictures, her room, her stuff. Her mother. Everything. Claire was a whore that had slept with HER dad. Charlotte was just an 'oops'. An accident. Not having any rights to live. In her heart Charlotte hoped Natalie would move out soon too. It was a pity Charlotte was only fourteen.

When she got out of the bus the rain had become only worse. Charlotte covered her head with her hood and started running the way to Drover's. The door was opened by Tess.

'Charlotte! What are you doing outside in this storm?'

Her coat was taken off by friendly hands and before she got the chance to say something she was sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket and holding a cup of hot chocolate.

She smiled. 'Thanks, auntie Tess.'

'Hey, BOM!' Nick had come in too hearing her voice and gave her a hug. She liked it everyone was still calling her BOM. Tough she was far from a baby now, of course.

'I reckon you came for Alex, didn't you?'

She nodded. 'I thought he'd be here.'

'He's upstairs,' said Tess. 'You know… in Claire's room.'

She looked like she'd had a rough day too. But, Charlotte thought, she was married. She didn't have to go through it alone. She nodded again and stood up, without taking off the blanket.

She found Alex in Claire's room, like expected, sitting on the bed. He was looking at pictures in photo albums so he didn't hear Charlotte coming until she sat down beside him. He put his arm around her shoulders and said nothing, a rarity for him. They just looked at the pictures together and went through past years. Claire and Tess as little girls, sitting on their father's lap. Claire in her teens. Claire with Peter. Claire with Alex. Charlotte smiled as she looked at a picture of Alex and Claire holding her as a little baby.

'I wish you had the chance to now her,' Alex said after a long silence. She took his hand and smiled weakly.

'Yeah, so do I.' She thought about her next words for a second. 'But… I believe she's still watching us. Maybe she's one of those stars out there.'

He smiled. 'Yeah, but then she'd be one that counts. Like… the sun.'

Charlotte laughed. 'That really is one that counts.'

They paused, both in their own thoughts. Alex thinking of his grief, fourteen years old but still so fresh on his mind, Charlotte wondering if she'd say what she wanted to say.

'Where… where did it happen?'

He looked at her, without asking any why-questions. He just stood up and took her with him.

'I'll show you.'

Alex didn't know if he was doing the right thing taking Charlotte to the cliff. He was scared for her to get hurt, but most of all, he was scared for the old feeling to return. The feeling he'd had when he had found Claire's empty body in her destroyed car. A feeling he had always hidden deep inside. But he didn't want Charlotte to think he was hiding for the confrontation with this place, so he took her with him in his car and drove her to the cliff.

'Here it is,' he said quietly, surprised he still knew the way to this place so well though he hadn't been here for years. She looked him in the eye and said nothing. She was very good at telling people more with a look then words could ever do, a thing that belonged to his memories of Claire. It was almost painful to see how much Charlotte looked like her mother. Claire. The reason for his heart to break, and to break again the moment he thought it was healing…

'_Fiona, I love you, I don't want you to leave…'_

'_Oh, don't talk nonsense, Alex!' she shouted back, pulling her clothes and jewellery out of every closet. _

'_You're not over her.'_

'_Fiona, why would I marry you if…'_

'_Because it felt safe. Because you needed love to get over her! But it didn't work out, Alex. Maybe a few months, but I have never meant as much to you as she did.'_

_She looked at him sadly. 'I loved you, Alex. But I can't. Not anymore.'_

_She closed her suitcase and tried to get out, but he grabbed her wrist and stopped her._

'_Where are you going?'_

'_I'm going back to town.'_

'_Fiona, please…'_

'_Alex,' she said fighting her tears. 'I know you broke down. I know you loved her. I know how much she meant to you. But it's four years ago and if you can't move on…'_

'_I have moved on! I married you!'_

'_But it was a mistake,' she shouted at him. 'I'm sorry, Alex,' she added much quieter. She took her bags and left. He knew it was useless to try to stop her. She just opened the door and stepped into the rain. She got in her car and dove off, without looking back. Alex kept staring even when she had disappeared around the corner at the end of the road._

He shook his head. That was years ago, when Charlotte was four years old, and he was still feeling guilty for Fiona, because in his heart he knew she had been right. After Claire died, he had never been so deeply in love with anyone. Marrying Fiona was a mistake he had made because he didn't manage on his own. And he had loved her. Just not the way he had loved Claire.

The cliff was deep and filled up with darkness, but it was enough to Charlotte. She just stood there, looking into the cliff where her mother had died, and where she would have died too if Tess wouldn't have been there to get her out.

Suddenly she stepped closer to the cliff edge and looked down. 'What's that?'

'What?'

'Something sparkling.' She was still moving closer to the edge. 'Maybe it belongs to her. I'll go down and…'

'No!' he shouted at her much louder than he meant to. He lowered his voice. 'Just don't… do that,' he said. He took her hand and gently took her back to the car. 'I don't want you to… come too close.'

He couldn't think of losing Charlotte too. He decided to go back another time, without Charlotte. Because he was almost sure that the thing in the cliff did belong to Claire, and he wanted to find it, whatever it'd cost…

Charlotte decided to stay with Alex that night, so he took her to his small house near Killarney and made her a bed on the couch. Something had changed in his eyes, and Charlotte kept looking at him while he was carrying blankets around to find out what was so special about the sparkling thing she had seen at the bottom of the cliff. Though, his face didn't tell her a thing. Maybe it had been too much to him to see this place again. She sighted, feeling guilty.

'What's wrong, Charlotte?' he asked her, getting rid of the blankets. She looked at him sadly.

'I'm sorry, Alex.'

He came closer and sat down next to her.

'Sorry for what?'

'For making you go there. For making you sad.'

He shook his head, smiled weakly. He put his arms around her and held her for a few minutes. She couldn't see if he was crying, but she was. She cried for her mother, for Alex, for the life that was taken away from them. For the fact she was living with her father she didn't mean much to. She cried for everything.

He let her go and gave her an envelope. She rubbed away her tears, thinking of something to say, but she didn't know anything right to say so she was silent.

'I'll go and get that thing in the cliff,' he broke the silence. 'Meanwhile, you can read that.' She nodded, unable to speak. She looked at him until he walked out of the house, listened to the sound of his car starting and kept silent for a while after. It took some time before she decided to read the letter Alex had given her. She slowly opened the envelope and looked at the date on the letter. The seventh of August, fourteen years ago…

_My dearest Claire,_

_It has been a month since I lost you, but I haven't moved on ever since. My world stopped turning that moment I looked into your eyes and found emptiness inside of them. No one but you could understand what I felt at that moment. How my dreams broke down, my reason to live broke down, and how I broke down with all of my illusions. Illusions of a life shared with you. I still can't realise you're gone. My mind knows, but my heart is still waiting for you to replace it where your death tore it out. _

_I know I'll never have another chance to tell you how much I loved you, and words will never be able to capture the feelings that you gave me, but I just need to tell you this, and if you're still here with me, I know you'll be reading my mind. Like you used to. It hurts writing it down, facing it, but I wanted you to marry me. I bought you a ring but I left it in the car and when I found it back you were already gone. Never to return again, but always in my heart. Voices from a distance tell me I should carry on, but I feel like I'm swimming in an ocean all alone. And I'm sinking, Claire. I'm waiting to drown, but I'm not drowning. I'm simply not drowning. Because I know you wanted me to go on. And I will, some day. I'm wondering what Peter will do if he finds out what happened to you. But I won't let him take Charlotte. She'd everything I got left now. She's the only one able to reach my heart now, how much the other's may try to reach me. They're to busy coping with their own grief. _

_I've always thought our love would be indestructible, because it took me so long to tell you. When I heard stories of other people losing their lovers, I used to think that wouldn't happen to me, cause it can't rain in heaven. I was right in some way, it can't rain in heaven. But you can crash down from heaven, and that's how I feel. Crashed down. And not crashed down like the time I did with the chopper. That time you were there to get me out. Now you're gone and I'm trying to keep my memories away. They hurt too much. That time you were there to help me up, though you couldn't get up yourself. This time I crashed down and I'm not getting up. I'm not moving on. I'm just lying here, unable to move, feeling the cold rain on my face. Now you're gone and I wonder why you left me here alone. I'd have come with you. I'd have fallen down with you. I'd have died with you. But I'd have been with you. _

_I'd have done anything to take your place, to see you walk away holding your little princess. I'll move on, some day. You'd have killed me if I won't. I've got up several times, struggling to keep on moving, but I fell and I couldn't get up. But I know there will be a day I won't fall, and I will be able to go on. There will be a day I'll walk with my memories. Until that day you'll have to forgive me for not having the strength. _

_I love you, Claire. Always have and always will. And I know there will be a day I'll meet you again. Until that day I'll live my life for you._

_Forever yours,_

_Alex_

Charlotte felt her hot tears flowing from her eyes, crossing her cheeks and falling on the paper when she let the letter sank down. Fourteen year old grief filled up her heart, like it was hers. She took the picture out of her pocket, and crawling up on the couch she softly stroked it.

'Happy birthday, mum,' she whispered before falling asleep.

Rain was falling on Alex' face while he was climbing down the cliff. He felt it was getting colder, but it didn't bother him. The cord was getting slippery in his hands, but he didn't recognize until there were only two meters left between his feet and the bottom. But when he found out it was too late. He felt the pain when he violently hit the ground, but it didn't stop him. Something was sparkling a couple of meters away, and he started crawling the right direction. Pain kept trying to hold him, but he didn't stop until he was holding it in his hand. He kept sitting there, resting his back to the cliff's wall, knowing he wasn't able to get up again.

'Happy birthday, Claire,' he whispered before losing consciousness.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

When Charlotte woke up, it didn't take long before she realised she was still alone in the house. She looked outside the window and found Alex' car still not being there. Concern filled up her heart when she recalled the words he had said before leaving. _"I'll go and get that thing in the cliff." _She realised she needed to get there, but it would take her at least one hour on foot. She stood up and got her coat. She decided to go and get Stevie. She knew Stevie would be the only one that would come with her without long explanations.

'Charlotte, came for a visit?'

She shook her head, gasping for breath.

'We need… we need to find Alex,' she said then.

Like she expected, Stevie got in her car and drove her to the cliff.

'What the hell was he doing here at that time?'

Charlotte sighed. 'It was Claire's birthday,' she answered, knowing that Stevie knew what that still meant to Alex. She shivered when she thought about what could have happened at the cliff, and knowing this place had taken another life years ago, didn't comfort her at all.

It didn't take long before they recognized Alex' car. It didn't seem to have moved that night, according to the leafs on it. A cord was hanging on it, ending a couple of meters from the cliff bottom. Stevie stepped out of the car and ran to the cliff edge.

'I think someone needs help in there,' she called to Charlotte. Charlotte came closer and looked over the edge. She sighted.

'Damn, Alex,' she hissed. Stevie stood there for a second, thinking of what to do now. She'd never admit she was very glad for Charlotte to come, because she still couldn't get rid of her old feelings… she shook her head, not wanting to recall that time in her life, like she had so many times in her life she didn't want to recall.

'I think I'll go down there,' she said, taking a cord out of her car. Charlotte shook her head and put her hand on Stevie' s arm.

'Let me do it, Stevie,' she begged. Stevie looked at her and sighed.

'Right. But be careful, ok?'

PE had never been Charlotte's favourite class, and especially climbing was something she really hated to do, but today all those endless PE classes turned out to be useful. She shivered as she realised her life was depending on it now and tried to push away the thought she was scared of heights.

Reaching the bottom didn't turn out to be the hardest part. The hardest part to her was letting go of the cord, running towards her friend and praying he wasn't dying.

'Alex!' she shouted, kneeling beside him and shaking him. She was frightened to find out how cold he was feeling. He turned his head to her and looked at her. He was having a very feverish look in his eyes. He stared at her for a few seconds.

'Claire?' he moaned then. She looked at him, shook her head, not knowing how to react on this. _He called me Claire._

'No, Alex, it's me, Charlotte.'

He didn't seem to realise what she just said. He was just looking at her, looking happy and desperate at one time.

'Don't go, Claire,' he begged. 'Just don't go.'

"_But I am Charlotte" _she wanted to say at first, but she saw the look in his eyes and decided to let him think she was Claire.

'It's alright,' she said, a trembling in her voice. 'I'm not leaving.'

'I found your necklace,' he said, giving her something. Something sparkling. She looked at her hand and found a necklace, carrying a small, silver heart. "_To my dearest Claire"_ was nicked in it. Tears made her view muddy. She put the necklace in her pocket and sighed.

'Charlotte,' Stevie called from above. 'Is everything alright?'

She rubbed away her tears and shook her head. 'Not really. Will you call for an ambulance, please?'

Stevie nodded and took her mobile phone. It lasted a while before she had found a spot where the phone was working. Charlotte sat down on the ground. _It's gonna be alright. Everything's just gonna be alright._

'You WHAT!' Peter yelled at his wife sitting opposite him. She looked at him calmly.

'I gave Charlotte permission to go to Drover's Run,' she said.

'Julia, you know I totally disagree with my daughter being on Drover's.'

'I know that,' she said still calmly. 'But I want her to be with her family.'

'That stupid nitwit is not her family,' Peter grumbled, meaning Alex. 'Not that he cares, of course.'

'But he was her father figure since the day she was born!' Julia called less calmly. 'And just think about it, Peter, you're always fighting her. Natalie can go much further than Charlotte to you.'

'Are you insinuating I favour Natalie above Charlotte?'

Julia opened her mouth to say 'no', but decided against it. 'Maybe I do,' she said. 'She can't do anything right to you. And sometimes…' she went on talking louder not to give Peter the chance to interrupt, '… sometimes you hit her. And I'm against hitting your children and you know it.'

'I hit her when she deserves it.'

'No one deserves it to be hit by his father,' Julia said. 'You know what I think?' she asked him after a silence. 'You're ashamed of her.'

'I'm not ashamed of her,' Peter said weakly. 'She's happy with us.'

'Oh, don't talk rubbish, Peter, why would she take refuge with Alex all the time if she was?'

'And what is making her unhappy?' Peter asked sarcastically, his arms crossed.

'You,' Julia said determined. 'You and Natalie. She's making her life a misery and you refuse to let me talk some sense into her. And I won't let Charlotte take it any longer.'

With that, Julia stood up and left.

When he woke up and saw somebody coming Alex would have sworn it was Claire. But in hospital, that loved face turned into another one.

'You're not Claire,' he said confused. Charlotte smiled.

'No, I'm not.'

He looked around, unable to recall last night.

'God, I'm freezing. What the bloody hell happened?'

Charlotte opened her mouth, unsure what to say. 'Well, you might be a little under cooled and you broke a leg. But I don't know how you did that.' She paused. 'But… you gave me this.' She took the necklace and showed it to him. He looked at it for a long time, suddenly remembering where he'd been last night.

'It's Claire's,' he said after a while.

'yeah, I understood that,' she responded. 'But you seemed to think I was her.'

'I'm sorry,' he whispered. 'I just wanted to get that for you…' he pointed at the necklace she was holding, 'but the cord got slippery or something…'

She nodded. They were silent for a moment.

'Is this sad,' Charlotte said after a while. 'We use to have so much fun together.' He nodded smiling.

'It's just a bad day, I reckon.'

'Mr. Ryan.' A nurse came walking towards them, looked down at Charlotte and seemed to have several things to say at one time.

'Is this your daughter, Mr. Ryan?' was the first thing. Alex looked at Charlotte, his eyes asking her what to say.

'Well… sort of,' Charlotte decided. The nurse looked down at the two of them looking a bit confused.

'She's my goddaughter,' Alex added quickly. 'Her mom has… died.'

'Oh, well… I, I'm sorry to hear that,' the poor girl stuttered, 'but what I'm trying to ask is… is she gonna stay here tonight?'

'Why, am I gonna stay?' Alex asked.

'You are,' Charlotte said amused. 'And trust me, they have the rights to keep you here, you're not looking very healthy.'

'Oh, right, so… I reckon you'll have to call your parents to pick you up.' She saw him looking a bit sad speaking out the word 'parents'. She nodded and looked up to the nurse. 'Can I use your phone, please?'

Peter was not very happy for being called by his daughter to ask him to pick her up in some hospital. He got in his car swearing. It was always Alex to Charlotte, she was practically living in there. And now the big loser threw himself into a cliff, breaking his leg and getting under cooled, and he had to show up for picking up his daughter. It was just… not fair. Charlotte was HIS daughter, but she used to treat that stupid farmer as if he was her father, but when things went wrong he had to show up for solving her problems. Driving to the hospital he promised himself this would be the last time he would humiliate himself for Alex Ryan.

Charlotte wasn't even waiting for him in the hall, he had to ask the receptionist in which room Alex Ryan was being and pick her up himself. She was still sitting at his bed, of course, he thought angry. Talking. Laughing. Doing things she should do with Peter. _But do I want to?_ he asked himself. _Do I really want to treat her like I'm treating Natalie? Do I even want her to be a part of my family?_ He'd had a very happy, peaceful life before Charlotte was born, before Julia had to find out his affair with Claire. When he thought about it, Charlotte had almost cost him his wife and his family. He shook his head, feeling guilty. She was still his daughter, of course.

'Thanks for picking her up, mate,' Alex called him back from his thoughts. He was really looking miserable. _All for Claire_, he thought a bit shocked. _And it's fourteen years ago_.

'Yeah, anytime,' he responded shortly. 'Come on Charlotte.' He took her wrist and led her out of the room. Charlotte looked back over her shoulder and gave Alex a _see-you-soon-but-no-time-for-talking-now_-look.

'dad, I…' Charlotte started in the car.

'Keep your mouth shut, Charlotte,' Peter responded. 'Enough trouble with you for today.'

'But I couldn't help it,' Charlotte responded humiliated. 'It's a long story and…'

'I know, I know, your beloved Alex is still grieving about Claire after fourteen years and threw himself into a cliff, and I have to show up for taking you home,' Peter said louder than he meant to. Charlotte was getting that angry look on her face, like she used to when he said something about Alex, Claire or her friends at Drover's.

'He didn't throw himself into it,' she said, 'it was an accident.'

'Oh, come on, the big loser's still not over her.'

'And he is NOT a big loser,' she shouted, suddenly feeling furious with her father.

'Shut up, Charlotte,' Peter yelled even louder. She saw red, gasping for breath in anger, unable to say anything making sense.

'Stop the car, dad,' she grumbled, and he did. Surprising, but he did.

'Where do you want to go, Charlotte,' he asked, pretending he didn't care. She stepped out of the car and started walking back the way they were coming from.

'I'm going back! Back where I belong!'

Peter bit his lip, wondering if he'd follow her or not. But, she'd regret she did that.

Charlotte looked back as she saw the car leaving. Good, he was letting her go. But he didn't have to think she'd ever return. Never again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Short chapter this time, but I don't think it should be any longer. Next one will be longer again ;)**

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Chapter 3

_He was standing at the cliff top, hearing himself calling her name. She was so close, tough she was so far away. Desperately he reached out for her hand, but it was too far. He heard her screaming his name before she disappeared in darkness. _

He woke up in a shock, and he had to hold on to the sides of the bed to stop himself from shouting. He had been bothered by this returning dream several times this week, and he couldn't make it go away. It hurt he couldn't reach her, but it was her screaming before she disappeared that was making this dream such a horrible experience. He sighed very deeply.

'Anything wrong, Alex?'

He turned around, unable to believe what his brain told him. It told him he had heard this voice before, a long time ago for the last time, and that he was hearing the voice of the memory of a person that had been torn away from him, and that had left a scar on his soul. He gasped.

'What?' he whispered. She was sitting at the foot of his bed, smiling at him. He shook his head, not wanting to get disappointed when he found out he was going mad.

'Can't live without me, can ya?'

He shivered as those words, the last she had ever spoken to him, broke through the surface and reached his heart, and spoke out the name that had never been off his mind a single moment, fourteen years long.

'Claire! But… how can this be,' he stuttered. 'I mean… you're…' He paused, unable to finish his sentence. She was still sitting there, and he realised she hadn't changed a bit, even wearing the same clothes. He kept looking at her, unable to keep his eyes off her. She was as beautiful as she'd always been, but after fourteen years without her, he was wondering how bad it would hurt him if she'd leave again.

'You know, Claire,' he spoke softly, deciding just to use this moment to be totally honest with her, to tell her everything he had wanted to tell her before she had left that one day his heart was ripped out. But suddenly there was only one sentence left on his mind. 'I love you.'

She smiled at him, but he couldn't help but recognize the sadness in her eyes.

'I love you too,' she said, and he knew it. 'It wasn't the horse,' she continued after a silent moment. His memories floated back through the past years, to the moment he had desperately been chasing that white horse, not wanting anything but to kill it for taking Claire away. He smiled as he recognized her love for horses in that sentence, a love for horses that had always wanted to take the blame off the white horse.

He sighed. 'I know.'

'It was that hole.'

He nodded. 'But it doesn't matter,' he spoke sadly. 'You're gone anyways.'

She looked at him. 'I'll never really be gone,' she responded. 'I've been watching you every day. And Charlotte too.' Suddenly he saw that not being around to lead Drover's anymore wasn't the thing that hurt her the most. It wasn't Alex either. It was Charlotte. He realised she might blame him for Charlotte being unhappy.

'I'm sorry,' he whispered. 'I couldn't do anything.'

'I know,' she reassured him, 'I know.' She paused. 'Take her away, Alex.'

'Claire,' he said desperately, not wanting anything more than making her happy. 'I can't.'

He recognized steps coming towards the room and he knew Claire heard it too.

'Take her away, Alex. Please. I'll never leave you.' She looked him in the eye. 'I love you.'

And a batting of his eyelids later she was gone.

Alex just sat there for a second, covering his face with his hands. He had always thought he'd be sad if she'd leave again, but instead he felt the sadness for his lost soul mate melt away, and he realised the only unsaid thing bothering him those fourteen years had been that he loved her. And he knew she'd be with him, every moment he'd be alive.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

When Alex came home next day, he'd expected everything but finding Charlotte sleeping on the couch. Tears had left their tracks on her face, and Peter's face when he had picked her up last night appeared on his mind. He didn't know what he'd do if Peter had done anything to hurt her, but he did know he wouldn't let that happen to her again. He sat down at her feet and watched her sleeping for a while, and he realised thinking of Claire looking at her daughter didn't hurt him any longer. Still a little confused he thought back of what she had told him last night, if he hadn't been hallucinating, of course. But something in him told him he hadn't been hallucinating, that Claire had really been with him for a while, that she really knew he loved her now, and that she had really meant what she'd said. _"Take her away, Alex". _Looking at her face he realised Charlotte had been suffering for so long now, that Peter wasn't the one he was meant to be. And he made a promise, to Charlotte, to himself. But to Claire in the first place. Charlotte would not spend one more second in Peter Johnson's house. Never again.

'Alex, are you alright?' He turned around a little confused but then remembered Stevie had been standing in the hall all the time. Feeling a little guilty he realised he'd forgotten all about her.

'Yeah, I'm fine. I just don't understand what Charlotte's doing here.'

He watched Stevie as she came closer and kneeled at the couch to wake Charlotte very gently, and once again he felt very sorry for her she'd had to lose Rosie. She'd have been a wonderful mother.

'Well, Charlotte,' Stevie spoke softly. 'I think someone likes to know why you're not at home.'

Charlotte looked around a little confused, but then seemed to remember she was in Alex' house. She put her arms around her knees, something she usually did to protect herself to words she didn't want to get hurt by, though there was no one in here wanting to hurt her.

'I'm not going back,' she threw out angry.

Alex sighed and sat down next to her. 'I don't want you to go back. But I think we're having a little problem.'

'Peter,' Stevie stated. 'We've gone through this before. He won't give up without a fight.'

Charlotte was silent. He wouldn't and she knew it. But every part of her refused to go back, and she knew she was strong enough to hold on. A strength which she knew it was a part of her mother she had gotten when she was born.

'Neither will I,' she answered.

When Peter came home without Charlotte and saw Julia's face, he knew he was in big trouble.

'You let her go?'

'She did it to herself.'

'And have you got any ideas where she went?' Julia had known it from the moment Charlotte came living with them. Some day things won't work out the way Peter wants it anymore. And she felt this day was that day. She couldn't remember herself ever being so angry with Peter, except from the time she had found out about Claire and Charlotte. And she realised things couldn't go on like this.

Peter was just standing there, staring out the window.

'She'll have gone to Alex again. Where are you going?' he added when he saw his wife leaving the kitchen.

'I'm going to pack Charlotte's things.'

Peter stood up and followed her. 'But she doesn't deserve to…'

Julia turned around. The look in her eyes told him it'd be better if he hadn't said that.

'No, Peter Johnson. I'm very sorry I have to do this, cause I love Charlotte, but we can't go on like this. She deserves to be treated right. And you…' she paused, to make him feel uncomfortable. '… you don't deserve her.'

Charlotte didn't know exactly what she'd expected, but whatever it was, it was NOT Julia. An awful silence had fallen between the three of them after Charlotte had said she wouldn't go back. No one had known exactly what to say, so they were silent until they were interrupted by someone knocking on the door. Charlotte couldn't help but smile amusedly when she watched Alex limping to the door with his crutches. He opened the door and was surprised to find it was Julia. She was carrying several bags which seemed to be stuffed until they almost burst. She didn't seem to feel very comfortable.

'I err… I was here to… I thought Charlotte needed some clothes and that kind of stuff.' She looked at Alex and shook her head.

'And what have you done to yourself, you poor idiot…' she mumbled, and Alex realised Julia wasn't the problem. She was having a very friendly face and she was taking care of Charlotte even now she had ran away.

He smiled. 'Well, I… I've had a little accident.'

Julia smiled back and looked at Charlotte appearing next to Alex. She stretched out her arms and hugged her. Alex could see she was fighting her tears.

'Take good care of her,' she said sadly after letting Charlotte go. Alex looked at her, suddenly feeling a little guilty.

'I promise,' he said reassuring. And Julia turned and left.  
In the weeks that passed Charlotte used to hide away in the room Alex had been dragging trunk out of all day last week, trying to get her thoughts sorted out. Stevie hung around 'to help', but in fact she didn't do much more than having conversations with Alex. Sometimes Charlotte sat down on her bed and listened, not interested in the words they were speaking but in Stevie's voice. It sounded soft and patient and sometimes she left with pain on her face.

About two weeks after Julia's visit Peter came over. Charlotte hid away; she didn't feel any need to talk to him. From her room she listened to his and Alex' voice, and about two hours later he left. A few minutes later Alex came to her and told her 'things were sorted out'. She knew what that meant.


	5. Chapter 5

**Long time no updates, but here it is. This is a flashback to the end of My Noon, My Midnight. **

Chapter 5 **Flashback**

Light from outside fell into the room as Alex looked into loved eyes. He heard himself talking and a part of him realised he was being ridiculous, but he didn't wanna stop it because he knew that, if he'd not do this now, there might be a chance he never would.

He needed her to know he loved her with everything within him, that she was catching his eyes with every move she was making, that he wanted to hold her tightly and never let her go. But words wouldn't be enough to tell her that. So he kept trying until she interrupted him. He was almost relieved to hear her voice.

'Can I… get a word?' she asked warmly.  
He smiled at her. _There we go, Ryan. Good luck._

'Make it quick.'

And he saw it. It was in her eyes. In was in the feeling of her touch.

Her voice kept echoing on his mind, seconds after she said it.

'I love you.'

_I love you._ He shivered. His mind was turning upside down and he wanted to shake his head and call out "what?", but he swallowed that just on time. He closed his eyes and wondered how anybody could experience so many feelings at one time. He opened up his eyes again to look at her and he saw it. He was not hallucinating. She had said it. She did. _I love you._

Suddenly the entire world faded away, taking every thought and every feeling, until there was only one thing left. The thing people call love.

So he pulled her close to him. And he kissed her. And he held her tightly.

And nothing in the world had ever felt so right.

Weeks later, Alex sat behind the wheel, driving like devil himself was following him. Nick sat beside him, holding on to the dashboard, slowly getting carsick.

'Hey, take it easy, mate.'

Alex looked at him furiously. 'You don't understand a bit of it, do ya?'

Nick opened up his mouth to speak, but he didn't let him.

He struggled to hold back his tears.

'She means everything. I can't lose her.'

Nick looked at him and shook his head. 'I know that. But it won't help if you kill yourself first. And me.'

Alex fell silent. Nick was right and he knew it, but what if he lost her? He shivered. _If he lost her._ He'd prefer to die above that.

The cliff was deep and silent. Later Alex realised from that day he'd been scared of silence. The silence that covered this place was not like the silence that had fallen between him and Claire a plenty of times. That silence meant love, it meant they hadn't needed words to tell each other how they felt, or what they wanted. The silence here meant emptiness. And it frightened him.

Hoping for an answer he cried out her name. The echo kept hanging around between the cliff walls. No one answered.

_Oh my goodness, I'm going out of my mind_.

He desperately turned around and saw Nick, giving him a cord. Suddenly it felt like he had eaten cement. _No. Nó. _

Rocks fell down under his feet. He heard Nick's voice calling to him, and later he thought he'd told him 'easy', but that moment he didn't realise.

He let go of the cord as soon as his feet reached the bottom, and he ran towards the car. Or what was left of it. _Drover's Run – C.L. McLeod,_ said the letters on the doors, and one moment he wondered what Drover's was gonna be without Claire. _What life was gonna be without Claire._ He shook his head, he wanted to keep believing she was alive. He would save her. _Save her._

He reached the car but he couldn't see her face – her brown hairs were hiding it. In despair he prayed to every god he could imagine. _Please._

He stretched out his hands and felt they where shaking. He thought he would die of a heart attack when he cupped her face and waited for her hairs to fall away. It seemed to last forever.

And then he saw her. Looked into the beautiful blue eyes he loved so much. _Emptiness._ He looked into her eyes but he couldn't find Claire. _Gone._ Staring at her he shook his head in disbelief. But the longer he looked at her, the stronger the power became that tore his heart out. The power that had killed Claire McLeod. _You were so strong._ _Where did you go?_

He put his arms around her, her cold face leaning on his shoulder. He felt her hairs touching his face. He held her until it became too much.

He slowly let go of her, sobbing uncontrollable when seeing her pale face again. Everything within him refused to believe this was the same Claire as a couple of hours ago, when he had seen her for the last time. A strange kind of anger within him wanted to scream out the feeling of the loss to the sky, but instead he sank down on his knees as the rain started pouring down. He didn't even recognize.

He started realising he was alive when he felt Tess' arms around him, felt her body shaking as she was sobbing uncontrollable on his shoulder. She must have come down with the rope, and a part of him realised that was impressing because for as long as he had known her, Tess McLeod had been scared of heights. He hated himself for thinking of such an unimportant thing at that moment.

He hadn't come with Claire in the ambulance. He couldn't stand seeing her like that, partly because he still didn't fully realise she was gone, partly because he wanted to remember her like she always was. Her strength. Her warmth. Her passion.

But later the longing for her became so strong he took his car and drove off to hospital, hoping he might get a chance to see her one last time.

He noticed the receptionist looked at him shocked before asking "can I help you?". He realised he was looking like a tramp, wet and muddy, but it didn't bother him because that was exactly how he felt.

'Well, the name is Alex Ryan, I came for…'

'Mister Ryan?'

He turned around as he heard his name and saw a slender woman with long, blond hairs in a white jacket running towards him. When she reached him he could read her name tag; _Dr. A.L. Smith_. She took his hand in hers and shook it warmly.

'My name is Anna Smith.' Her eyes were friendly. He tried to smile but failed terribly.

'I came for Claire McLeod…' He swallowed hard. 'She was my…'

'Fiancé,' she finished his sentence. 'Her sister, what was her name?'

'Tess,' he answered toneless. _Fiancé._

'Yeah, Tess. She told me you might come later.' She fell silent for a moment. 'I've known Claire McLeod, you know, I was her doctor when she had that accident.'

He nodded; he remembered that. And what had come after that stupid lie he had told Peter.

'She was a nasty patient, a strong personality. Accept my deepest sympathies.'

He smiled weakly. 'Yeah, thanks.'

She took his wet sleeve and started guiding him to another room. She looked at him sadly.

'I know how you must be feeling. I lost my fiancé years ago. A car accident.'

'Oh, I'm sorry.'

'Thanks.' She smiled at him. She had a friendly radiation. 'It takes time, but it'll get easier.'

He smiled back, his attention somewhere else. _This is never gonna get easier._

'Really,' she said, reading his mind. She opened a door to let him in. 'I'll be off, then.'

'Yeah, goodbye, and… thank you.'

She smiled. 'You're welcome.'

He found her on a white bed. She looked very peacefully with her eyes closed, and he tried hard to believe she was sleeping, but failed. He took her cold fingers in his shivering hands, leaning his forehead to her weak arm, and tried to keep remembering the good times. But he only felt the grief that was eating his soul away. He needed her too much. But she was gone and everything that was left of him was the yearning to hold her one last time.

_Oh, Claire. What happened to us?_


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

'Hey!'

Alex woke up from his dreams taking him back to that night by hearing a voice. A familiar voice. He moaned softly, not wanting to see her again. He couldn't. He just wanted to get over this.

'Hey! Wake up, you sleepyhead!'

He slowly opened his eyes to look around. She was sitting on the window sill, looking angry. He sighed.

'I'm going crazy.'

'No, you're not. But you will be if you don't let this go.'

He threw away his pillow, suddenly feeling angry. 'Claire, could you please leave me alone? It's hard enough without…' He fell silent, feeling guilty.

'I shouldn't be angry with you, should I?'

'I don't care, that's not what I came for.'

'And what are you waking me up for?'

'Hey, you better not fall asleep again, according to those dreams of yours… you'll get depressive.'

He sighed. 'Do you think…'

'I just think you need to move on. And don't understand me wrong, I love you too, right? But it's too long ago. You should be carrying on. For Charlotte. For yourself. And for someone else.'

'Who?'

She smiled. 'Your phone is ringing.'

He opened his mouth to say his phone wasn't ringing at all, when it started to. He crawled over to the other side of his bed to answer it.

'Hello?'

'Alex? It's Tess. I think I need your help.'

'Tess, it's 3 am, what the…'

'I'm sorry. It's Stevie.'

He fell silent for a moment, shocked. A feeling rushed through his mind. _Concern_.

'What's with Stevie?'

'Well, she went hours ago, in her car and she still isn't back and she uses to hang around with you all the time so I thought you might know where she went.'

He sighed. 'Right. I think I'll be looking for her then.'

After he hung up, Claire was still sitting there. A short moment he couldn't describe the look in her eyes, and he realised that was because it was a look that belonged to Tess. The look that had been running across Tess' face when they decided he'd move in with Claire. The look he'd seen every time Tess had found another "perfect match". It was like she was having fun. _Someone else. Oh my goodness, she doesn't mean I…_

'You care for Stevie,' she said content.

One moment he wanted to say he didn't, but he just couldn't because… _Geez, I do care for her. But that's not that special because I used to care for her when Claire was still there. _

_I did, but that was different. _

_It wasn't._

_It was._

'You care for Stevie,' she repeated happily. She kept sitting there looking around the room while he got dressed and turned the house upside down looking for his car keys.

'Goodness, what a mess in here,' she mumbled, and he sighed. And it made him feel terrible because he realised he thought she was annoying, and he wanted her to leave, and he was feeling guilty for that.

'Why the hell did she leave like that,' he mumbled, surrounded by trunk. He could hear her sighing behind him.

'Don't you see?'

He sighed. 'No I don't.'

She rolled her eyes. 'She's a mess. And you're the one to blame.'

'What, why?'

'Because she's in love with you.'

He paused. She couldn't be. But if she wasn't, why did she look so sad for when she left after the conversation had mentioned Claire again?

'Hey, wait a sec,' she called when he found his keys and wanted to leave. Suddenly she changed her attitude. Pain rushed through his body because that was so typical for Claire; acting tough and then becoming soft, patient Claire he'd loved so much.

She stretched out her hand but hesitated and took it back. She smiled.

'So… move on. Don't lose yourself because I died. It'll be fine,' she added when he wanted to protest. And he fell silent.

'Let it go,' she said friendly.

He nodded slowly. He shivered. The last weeks everything had turned up to be fine, and when he thought about it, Stevie' s company had felt pretty right.

'So… that means I won't see you again?'

She smiled. 'You won't need to.'

An awful silence covered the place. She was right and he knew it. Maybe somehow he hadn't wanted to let her go. Maybe he'd needed her too much.

'Well, right then,' he started. He looked at her for a long time, saving her face on his mind. The blue eyes he knew he'd remember for the rest of his life. And suddenly he felt like Tess on Claire's funeral. Sad, endlessly sad, but with some peace inside he hadn't known for years. And he knew it was alright. And he found himself whispering: 'Goodbye, Claire,' and he took his keys and left. And didn't look back.

He got in his car, slamming the door, leaning his head on the wheel and cried. But this time there was hope and relief next to the grief. And as he calmed down a bit, he started the car and looked through the window.

Claire stood there, and she waved at him as he drove away.

He saw her in the side mirror of his car until she'd become a black spot at the end of the road.

_Our dream ended long ago  
all our stories and all our glory I held so dear  
we won't be together, forever and ever  
no more tears  
I'll always be here  
till the end_


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Stevie rubbed sweat off her forehead and swore. She sighed and desperately looked at her smoking car. After hours of trying to fix it, she had only made a bigger mess of it, a little weird because cars were usually no trouble for her. She sighed and swore again, and then sank down in the mud and cried. Stevie didn't use to be a tearful person, but the past weeks she had cried so often she didn't recognize herself as the person she was before, the person that just refused to break down.

She had left in her car at 11 pm, just to get away from everybody asking her what was wrong with her, telling her they could be trusted, that she was acting weird, that she shouldn't keep it inside of her, and so on. Just to try to escape from her feelings she didn't want to have. But which she did have, and for a long time already.

Something inside of her told her spending so much time with Alex would only make things worse. He was her mate, and she couldn't fall in love with him. But she did.

Suddenly she missed Claire more than ever. The way she'd have comforted her, how she'd have made a joke of it, how she'd have made her laugh. How she'd have made everything look brighter, just by being her friend.

But she wasn't there. So Stevie cried. And the harder she tried to make a joke of it, the worse the pain became. She tried to tell herself it was gonna be alright, but it didn't work because that was something Claire would do.

As Claire disappeared at the end of the road, Alex felt a burden off his shoulders. Though he could still feel the pain of never seeing her again, a picture painted itself on his mind. A picture of a total mess. A picture of a drunk total mess, and a desperate Tess trying to talk some sense into him.

'_Geez, Alex, what are you doing to yourself?'_

'_I'm trying to keep on living.'_

'_Oh, come on, you'll lose your mind!'_

'_Already have.'_

'_I see! Is this what you call life, Alex? Drinking too much, driving careless, joining rodeo's.. you'll kill yourself one day. And what will I tell Charlotte then?'_

_He'd fallen silent. Charlotte. But if he died now, would she remember him when she was older?_

'_Goodness, Alex, I can't believe this. What do you think Claire would say if she saw you like this?'_

_He swallowed hard, because he knew what she would say. But he wouldn't admit it, because he didn't want to think about that._

'_She won't.'_

_Tess sighed desperately. 'But… why can't you be just… just Alex, like you used to be?'_

'_Because life is not what it used to be.'_

'_Listen Alex, I know how you must be feeling, don't you think I miss her? Don't you think I've cried myself to sleep every night the first weeks? Don't you think I broke down at the funeral, don't you think I've blamed myself? But life goes on and sometimes… sometimes life deserves a second chance!' _

_He slowly shook his head. _

'_Oh please, Alex, come back!' she called after him as he started to walk away. 'I miss you! I miss my friend!'_

Alex shook his head and sighed. Tess. She'd been right. After Claire died, he'd never been the same person anymore. He'd done the most silly things just to die. Just because he hoped to see Claire again, if he died. But deep inside he didn't want to die, but he hadn't realised that then.

After he'd been driving around for what seemed to be hours, he sighed and wondered if it'd be better if he went to Drover's to ask Tess if Stevie had been found. He decided to do that when a car beside the road caught his attention. Stevie's car. _What is she doing this far from Drover's at 4 am?_ he wondered as he stopped the car. He found Stevie at the other side, covered in mud and soaking wet, crying in the pouring rain.

'Steves,' he called as he ran towards her. 'Steves, what are you doing here at this hour, mate?'

She hadn't heard or seen him coming and gasped when she saw him running towards her. He put his hand on her shoulder to make her face him. He was frightened by the look in her eyes.

'Alex, don't you sneak up on me like that!'

'Hey, I'm sorry, mate,' he apologized.

'What are you doing here anyways?'

He fell silent for a moment. 'Well, Tess called me because you've been gone for hours. She's worried about you.' He was silent for a moment, trying to find the right words. 'And so am I.'

She looked at him for a while, smiling weakly. The rain stopped. She shivered.

He shook his head and took off his coat. 'Here you are, you'll get ill,' he said softly, putting it around her.

She hesitated a while, but then accepted it; he was probably right. And, he was dry. She was soaking. She tried to stop a shiver when she felt the warmth. Suddenly it was like he was all around her.

'Well, and now you tell me what's wrong,' he said friendly.

'Nah, I was just… driving a bit and then this stupid piece of trunk…' She furiously slammed her hand to the steel, unable to finish her sentence because she couldn't help but burst out into tears again. She tried to fight it but failed. She didn't want to break down in his presence.

He put an arm around her and she sobbed, leaning her head to his shoulder.

'Ssshh, it's alright, it's alright,' he tried to calm her down a bit, slowly caressing her wet curls.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' she said sniffing. 'It just all feels a little weird, and it all goes wrong and… it's not like I want it to be and it hurts and…'

'I know,' he answered. 'It's alright.'

'You must think I'm crazy,' she said miserably.

'No I don't,' he said reassuring. 'I really don't.'

She slowly pulled away from him a bit to look him in his eyes and sighed.

'Alex…' she started. 'Thank you.'

He smiled at her. 'No worries.'

They were silent for a moment. Alex tried to think of something to say, but couldn't find the words. It was a little strange, but being here with her, wet and muddy at 4 pm, felt right. It felt more right than it should feel. And suddenly something changed between them. He felt it, and he knew Stevie felt it too. And he thought of Tess. _Sometimes life deserves a second chance._

He stretched out his hand, brushing away one of her wet curls. She moved closer to him for what seemed to last for ages and he didn't know why he did it, but he did. He kissed her. _Oh my god, I kissed her_.

The first second Stevie didn't know what to do. _Oh my god, he kissed me_.

'Oh, geez, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…'

She smiled. 'Ssshh, it's alright,' she interrupted, smiling when she realised she said exactly the same as he'd been saying all the time.

And he smiled back and they kissed again. And they both knew it was alright.

They kept sitting there until the light of the early morning broke through the clouds, and Alex thought of Claire, and what she'd have said, and suddenly he thought of a sentence from a lyric.

_All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free._


End file.
